Therapy

I have in the past taken to putting my thoughts on loss onto this site.  I am again finding myself in the position of having to open myself up to this medium as a way of grieving.  For those that have read some of the earlier posts I have been shouldering the issue that all pet owners have and that is how to deal with their aging pals.  In our case Sparky aka Cole.  Sparky was for me that never wavering pal that was always there.  I have found in the last 24 hours that so many motions in my house involved interacting with him.  I find myself constantly reaching to touch him even though he is no longer there.  Sadly he collapsed yesterday morning and his eyes dimmed in a final moment.  I was so in shock at what was happening I failed to move immediately.  I stood there until I was able to move my feet again.  I offered him a final touch and love that he so willingly shared with us.

I am both sad and relieved at this moment as I have once again learned that watching this beloved fellow age has been a large amount of stress for me.  Constantly worried about him slipping on ice and falling down stairs.  But to be honest the seen that plays out in mind as he collapsed still haunts me a little.  I know there is no saving him, there is no 911 or heroics that will bring him back for a few more days.  I can't explain it well enough here but it was that moment and it took me a long time to reach clarity yesterday.

So I have cleaned up a little of Sparky's stuff.  His disk is gone and an old collar that was smelly and such.  I broke down as picked up a clump of fur from the carpet.  Go figure years of shedding fur and I am crushed by a clump of fur.  I rolled it in my fingers feeling that familiar touch that came from him.

I walked up stairs to bed last night looking back I said "bed time" and realized that there was nobody that was coming behind me at that moment I collapsed with the harsh reality of not having that comfort again.  It was my moment to truly come to grieve over my pal.

So for all those wonderful moments we shared.   When we first brought you home and how you slept under our bed as pup.  To walks, swims and adventures, the porcupine quills, how you rolled in the cow pies at the farm, the cats you chased both real and in your sleep.  To how you would bounce at the door, always finding a shoe to present me with.  To those moments of laying on the floor just being close to you.  To those later moments where we dealt with your toe and cancer.  To those last days.  I am so glad we took that last walk that night.  We moved at your pace letting you sniff all the smells.

For what you taught me Sparky.  That unconditional love.  That never ending warmth and friendship. I will miss you terribly.

I love you pal.

Bedtime old fella, come on.....